Yes But!

Tim Dingle Dingle Author

Games People Play is one of my favourite books. Written 50 years ago, by Psychiatrist Dr.

Games People Play is one of my favourite books. Written 50 years ago, by Psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne, it examined the complex world of the dynamics in human relationships. Berne described his theory of Transactional Analysis(TA to those in the know) in a new and interesting way, by involving stories and ‘real’ people. Published in 1964 to the updated 40th anniversary edition in 2004, over 5 million copies have been sold worldwide in nearly 20 languages. Today, the book remains immensely popular and continues to sell tens of thousands of copies per year. You will see way I titled it, Games Ponies Play later.

What I really like, as biologist, is that Berne provides us with a practical field guide to the games people play. It describes familiar patterns of interaction that rely on plausible cover stories to conceal ulterior, often unconscious, motives: the hidden Why.

For instance, in one of the games called Why Don’t You — Yes But, players begin by describing (usually negatively) a problem and inviting others to suggest solutions, all of which will be shot down. The real object, Berne writes, is to demonstrate that no one can give them an acceptablesuggestion.This reminds of the Kobayashi Maru exercise in Star Trek. The fictional test describes a no-win scenario, or a solution that involves redefining the problem.

Yes But, is an all too familiar expression, usually a prelude to a row in most households, that you may recognise (along with you always and you neverthat usually anticipate the argument). In fact Yes, But… (Oui, mais…) is also a really funny 2001 French film written and directed by Yves Lavandier, dealing withbrief therapy (and not a psychoanalysis) with all its techniques: gestalt, Ericksonian hypnosis, systemic therapy, paradoxical prescriptions, humour, visualization and of course transactional analysis. Worth watching if you have time…

My interest in this now very dated book (but still very relevant) is how the neuroscience ties in with these games (the reward chemicals for instance). I also am fascinated to think about how social activity and interaction we now see in social media (Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, as well as over email) bears more than a resemblance in form and appearance, in proceeding and structure, to the pursuit if not satisfaction of the deep emotional and affective motivations behind transactions among communicating individuals in real, face-to-face situations.

Berne’s definition is to think of a game as a series of interactions (words, body language, facial expressions, etc.) between two or more people that follow a predictable pattern. The interactions ultimately progress to an outcome in which one individual obtains a payoff orgoal. In most cases, the participants of the games are unaware that they are playing. Interestingly, when I teach comedy to groups, we examine the Set up -> Pay Off time (or ratio), usually the quicker the better. This works with TA in describing the outcome of the games.

In this very important book, Dr. Berne describes 101 games in 186 pages. Impressive economy of thought, but somehow he fosters an ironic, if not outright jaundiced, view of human nature. Such economy is possible because the themes are all sadly or sweetly or cruelly familiar, and because he gives them cool names that are the clue if not a direct spoiler alert: Kick Me, Let’s You and Him Fight, Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch.

My favourite game is one most of us should recognise called Uproar. Picture this scenario: the father comes home from work and finds fault with daughter, who answers impudently; or the daughter may make the first move by being impudent, whereupon the father finds fault. Their voices rise, and the clash becomes more acute. The outcome depends on who has the initiative.

There are three possible outcomes:

a) the father retires to his bedroom and slams the door

b) the daughter retires to her bedroom and slams the door

c) they both retire to their respective bedrooms and slam the doors.

In any case, the end of a game of Uproar is marked by a slamming door. Uproar offers a distressing but effective solution to the sexual problems that arise between fathers and teen-age daughters in certain households. Often they can only live in the same house together if they are angry at each other, and the slamming doors emphasize for each the fact that they have separate bedrooms.

Berne starts with a really interesting dynamic situation, called If It Weren’t For You orIWFY. Berne uses this game as an example to explain all types of games. Berne writes:

Mrs. Smith complained that her husband severely restricted her social activities, so that she had never learned to dance. Due to changes in her attitude brought about psychiatric treatment, her husband became less sure of himself and more indulgent. Mrs. Smith was then free to enlarge the scope of her activities. She signed up for dancing classes, and then discovered to her despair that she had a morbid fear of dance floors and had to abandon this project.

This rather sad tale (and maybe outdated – think going out or restricting time on Facebook rather than dancing classes) laid out some important aspects of her marriage. Out of her many potential partners she had picked a domineering man for a husband. She was then in a position to complain that she could do all sorts of things it if weren’t for you. Many of her woman friends had domineering husbands, and when they met for their morning coffee, they spent a good deal of time playing If It Weren’t For Him.

As it turned out, however, contrary to her complaints, her husband was performing a very real service for her by forbidding her to do something she was deeply afraid of, and by preventing her, in fact, from even becoming aware of her fears. This was one reason she had chosen such a husband.

His rules, orders and prohibitions and her complaints frequently led to quarrels, so that their sex life became patchy at best. She and her husband had little in common besides their household worries and the children, so that their arguments stood out as important events.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Smith are participating in the game, but crucially, they are not consciously aware of their active participation. As with any game, at least one party must achieve a payoff for the game to proceed. In this game, Mrs. Smith, and to a lesser degree Mr. Smith achieve their respective payoffs. In Mr. Smith’s case, by restricting Mrs. Smith’s activities, he can retain the role of domineering husband, which provides him comfort when things do not necessarily go his way.

Mrs. Smith obtains her payoff at many levels. On the psychological level, the restrictions imposed by Mr. Smith prevent Mrs. Smith from experiencing neurotic fears or being placed in phobic situations. By having Mr. Smith prevent her from being placed in these situations, Mrs. Smith does not have to acknowledge (or even be aware of) her fears. On the social level, Mrs. Smith’s payoff is that she can say if it weren’t for you. This helps to structure the time she must spend with her husband, as well as the time spent without him. In addition, it allows her to say if it weren’t for him with friends.

As with any game, it comes to an abrupt end when one player decides (usually unconsciously) to stop playing. If instead, Mr. Smith said Go ahead instead of Don’t you dare, Mrs. Smith loses her payoff. She can no longer say if it weren’t for you and then must go out and confront her fears. By continuing to play this game, each participant receives his or her payoff, but the price is a marriage with serious problems.

IWFY, like most other games, when perpetuated, can lead to adverse effects. Identification of the game is the first step. Once the player(s) recognise they are playing a game, efforts can be made to improve upon the problem. This is the basis of Transactional Analysis Therapy.

This is an important book in many ways. I love dipping in and finding new things to admire and extrapolate to our modern social media obsessed world. It also allows us to look at our own interactions, needs and become aware of the games we are playing.

By the way the 2nd episode of the 3rd season in the 4th generation of the "My Little Pony" series is called Games Ponies Play as homage to this work. Don’t ask me how I know.

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